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What comes to mind when you think of mindfulness? Meditation? Conscientiousness? Relaxation? Focus? Calm?
Chances are, whatever you’re thinking of carries a sense of individual introspection.
Before I learned to practice relational mindfulness, people and relationships would disturb any state of calm, relaxed focus I would sometimes achieve from meditation. When interacting with others, it sometimes feels like we open up a to a deluge of involuntary stimuli. People want things. They ask for things. They express opinions. Sometimes they disagree. Sometimes we experience overwhelm or anxiety in social situations. On a bad day, all this can be disruptive to our sense of independence, freedom, connection, and well-being.
At other times, we might revel in a sense of teamwork, belonging, community and connection. This can lead to a variety of peak states like the flow of smooth coordination, unity, intimacy, or even bliss. But these moments can seem random or fleeting.
You can develop relational skills through mindful attention to how your relationships are unfolding in the present moment. Developing relational mindfulness will strengthen your ability to navigate your social world and make peak states of coordination and flow more likely. It serves as a core practice of MetaRelating and the foundation for many communication and relational practices.
Consider that between you and every other person you encounter, there is a third entity. Beyond an idea about the relationship, it’s also a felt experience you can tune into. Sometimes for me, it feels like a cord or channel between myself and another person with its own distinctive characteristics. A teacher and friend of mine, Guy Sengstock put it,
“Consider that there is such a thing as what it is like to be with someone” — Guy Sengstock
Wanna give it a quick try? If so, then, here we go!
This will work either if you are physically present with other people, or if you are not. But it makes it a bit easier if you are.
First, do something that reconnects you with yourself. This need only take a minute or less. Notice your breath, the temperature, sounds, the position of your body in space, the content of your thoughts, your feelings, and sensations. Use your awareness to scan through your body. (Most typical mindfulness practices will do here, so you could do your favorite one if you have one.)
Choose a person, one in your presence if possible. (If not, you can do this entirely within your imagination.) Now ask yourself the question, “what is it like to be with this person?” and notice what pops up. Keep your attention on the relationship between you and that person and what it feels like in the present moment.
You may notice a variety of qualities of the connection between you. You might feel a sense drawing towards them, or pulling away from them. It might feel big or small, heavy or light, tight or loose, broad or narrow, deep or shallow. You may become aware of impressions, words, images, colors, or vibrations.
If you have a lot of history with this person, you may remember something you’ve experienced together. You might end up reminding yourself of something you want to say to them or do with them. If you do, note it without trying to figure out what you should do about it. Instead, notice how these thoughts affect these qualities of the connection between you and the other person in the present moment.
Now choose another person. First, reconnect with yourself, as you did before. Then put your attention on this person, and repeat the same question, “what is it like to be with this person?” Then notice what comes up.
Now take a few moments to reflect on these two experiences. Notice any similarities or differences between the qualities of the two connections.
There. Now you’ve had an experience of deliberately practicing relational mindfulness. It’s quite like meditation where the focus is on the relationship rather than something like the breath.
Consider that there’s a web of connections between you and every other person. For each connection, there’s a combination of qualities unique to each one. For those closest to you, there’s likely a lot of nuance and detail to it. For perfect strangers, there might be quick or vague impressions.
This is what I mean relational mindfulness. Consider the possibility that you could focus your awareness here at any time. As practice doing this, you’ll develop your ability to return here more quickly and skillfully.
“So what?” you may be wondering. It might sound like a little too much woo. Well, here’s how this is practical.
You can think of this practice of relational mindfulness as one of attunement. This can be a source of information. Though you may choose not to act on this information, it can come into to play in two ways when taking action. The first is an instigation. The second is an internal checkpoint.
Relational mindfulness can instigate action. When you put your focus on a relationship between yourself and another person you may notice open loops, dangling threads, tension, attraction, revulsion, interest, desire, or a something akin to a minefield.
Whatever you notice, the information can spur a choice to act. Perhaps you want resolution on something or you want to feel more connected. There are many possibilities. MetaRelating offers many practical processes and approaches for these.
Alternatively, you can use relational mindfulness as an internal checkpoint, once you’ve already made a decision to take action involving other people. Before taking action, first, pause and prompt yourself to take a moment of relational mindfulness. Tune into the relationships between yourself and each person. This may surface useful information in your awareness. This can inform your choice to proceed or give you an opportunity to adjust your course of action.
Here’s a key sign you’re on the right track. New bits of information that surface will surprise you — things you weren’t conscious of previously. It may feel like a hunch or intuition. Or it might be a specific piece of data you’ve forgotten. And, you’ll incorporate these in useful ways as you go.
Relational mindfulness is the foundation for all MetaRelating practices. The more awareness you have, the more effective you will be with all the other skills and practices.
When practicing relational mindfulness, there are some common experiences which can be informative. Here are some tips on how to work with them.
In my past, I was often overwhelmed and confused by the social world. From time to time, this still happens. You may experience this too. When you try relational mindfulness, you might notice ruminations about what you think other people are thinking about you. Or maybe you often experience a general sense of social anxiety. This is common and normal for many people. If this happens, here are a few things to consider.
Other people are probably not thinking about you as much as you think they are thinking about you. This is partly because they are often thinking about what you are thinking about them. Recognizing this alone can provide some relief, even humor.
Without checking with others, your worries about what they are thinking about you are speculative. One alternative is to consider more charitable, interpretations of what’s happening for them.
MetaRelating will help you do this. Over time, you’ll learn to check your speculations and keep them up-to-date. If you do, you’ll dismantle inaccurate assumptions and calibrate your intuitions. That is, you’ll develop a more mutual and shared sense of your relationship. Your confidence in doing this will lead to less social anxiety.
(You may be prone to a very high degree of social anxiety, often feeling unable to handle social situations. If so, consider professional help with a therapist. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you tame runaway negative thinking patterns associated with high social anxiety. CBT coupled with MetaRelating practices can help you overcome debilitating levels of social anxiety.)
Sometimes other people and their desires or perspectives could feel overwhelming. For some people, this interferes with their ability to make authentic choices. Psychologists call this external locus of control.
Locus of control is a spectrum of self-perception. At one end, it’s external, believing that control resides in others or the situation. At the other, believing that control of your circumstances resides within you—a key to personal sovereignty.
Your sense of your locus of control can vary depending on your context, differing between one relationship and another. Relational mindfulness will help you tune into these variations. And you might find, on the whole, it seems external more often than not (or vice-versa).
Practicing relational mindfulness on its own can help develop your personal sovereignty. Other MetaRelating practices will take this much further. A sign you’re on the right track is you’ll become less overwhelmed by other people. You’ll less often compromise your authenticity due to outside influence, if at all.
You might be someone who has no social anxiety or overwhelm come up. If this is the case, then you’re lucky, from one point of view. You’re likely to have a stronger internal locus of control already.
Having little social anxiety and a strong sense of personal sovereignty doesn't necessarily mean your perceptions of your relationships are accurately calibrated. Frequent or surprising disconnects in your relationships could be signs you haven't developed your ability to attune receptively to others as well as you could.
Your perception of a relationship may not match the perception the other individual has. Attuning with others and fostering shared understanding with them will help you develop a more accurate awareness of your relationship.
Relational intelligence includes the authenticity needed for a healthy sense of personal sovereignty and the attunement and receptivity needed to cultivate relationships that are mutual, reciprocal, and voluntary.
These correlate to two foundational principles of MetaRelating: authenticity and mutuality.
With practice, you’ll learn to recognize an ongoing relational dynamic between yourself and each other person in your life. For those close to you, the relationships might feel like they have a life of their own, developing over many years.
A friend of mine once described this as the we-creature, like a pet, with its own identity. Over time the we-creature tends to develop its own needs, beyond the distinct needs of each individual. You can learn to attend to it for the sake of its own health and strength. Returning to mindful awareness of a particular relationship is key to attending to the well being of your shared we-creature.
