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As a software engineer, I moved from company to company, thinking it wasn't the right product, vision, management, or team. I did the rounds in every different kind of environment - startups, corporations, mission-based organizations - but nothing ever felt quite right.
Eventually, I came to recognize two key factors to in my dissatisfaction:
First, I was uncomfortable with myself, which wasn’t easy to admit. I wanted to be seen as intelligent, innovative, and impressive, so I tried to hide the places where I didn't feel competent. Little by little, presenting myself like this grew into a well-rehearsed lack of authenticity. This subverted my ability to experience the meaning, belonging, or sense of accomplishment I wanted so badly.
Second, I was turning people off by how I was communicating. I didn't fully listen to others and was oblivious to the impact I was having on them. I'd get into disagreements where instead of understanding and appreciating where others were coming from and learning to work together as a team, I'd try explaining harder.
I set out to overcome this chronic dissatisfaction with my professional life. I recognized I needed to get over my underlying fears of criticism, disappointment, and being seen as unqualified. And I had to learn healthier and more effective ways to communicate.
So I did. When I learned how to attend to the quality of my relationships and take responsibility for the impact I was having on others, my communication style changed for the better.
Instead of making a point more forcefully, I became more persuasive when I took the time to understand others. Instead of being nice to ensure people felt comfortable, I learned to express differences directly, which earned their respect. Instead of trying hard to be impressive, I was honest about my imperfections, which made me more trustworthy.
Sooner or later, many of us make up our minds that we want more from our work than merely a paycheck. We want to accomplish challenging goals and be satisfied with a job well done. But more than that, we want to enjoy a sense of connection with our teammates. Interpersonal issues can disrupt all of this when left unresolved.
Many organizations take an aspirational approach to culture with values like authenticity, empathy, trust, and respect.Yet, conflict and drama will persist without a reliable way of implementing these values in complex situations.
As a kid, I moved a lot. My parents and I moved on average once per year, so I was always “the new kid”. I’ve been that new kid all over the U.S. and Europe too.
Growing up, I felt like I was different from the other kids, maybe even a little weird, and I had a lot of experiences that were confusing. For example, I would notice that nobody laughed when I said something that I thought was funny. But the next day, somebody else would say something similar, and everybody would laugh! And I started to wonder — why is that? What am I missing?
I later came to realize that the constant moving prevented me from creating a shared history with the other kids, and it also made it hard to rely on a shared cultural background. Really though, missing out on these key ingredients of childhood friendship is what eventually ignited my passion for personal development, and has since fueled a meaningful career.
In my early twenties, I had the opportunity to hang out at the Integral Center in Boulder, Colorado. We went deep into the science and art of relationality, Integral Theory, leadership, and personal development. Through a lot of training and practice, I developed the relational skills to have people feel deeply seen and understood by me, in both large and small group settings.
A few years later I became the youngest senior faculty member ever hired at the Integral Center. Here, I began my professional relationship with Porch.
Around the same time, I also started training with various Native and Indigenous lineages from North, Central, and South America. This, along with my work at The Integral Center, is what I credit most as making me who I am today.
Through both of those avenues, I’ve had the immense privilege to explore the topic that is most dear to me: connection. Connection with self and connection with others, in a true and authentic way.
Each of us is accountable for our part in every relationship, and our healthiest
relationships are those where each one of us takes responsibility for our contribution.
A specific model with clear processes for relational communication will foster healthy
and thriving relationships when practiced regularly.
The potential of a relationship becomes greater when each individual is oriented towards a purpose shared with the other.
A growth mindset and consistent effort will develop our relational capacities, foster healthy, thriving relationships, and actualize more of our potential.
Though each of us is unique and different, we need others to survive and thrive, and valuing every person’s fundamental worth helps bring out their best as well as our own.
Living true to ourselves is essential to our most rewarding relationships and is worth the courage it requires to transcend the limitations of our social personas.
Listening receptively and understanding one another brings us into connection and this forms a basis for mutual comprehension, cooperation, and compassion.
An effective approach to healthy and thriving relationships can be used harmoniously by people from across a wide variety of backgrounds, worldviews, cultures, religions, and philosophies.
A relationship progresses in a healthy way when each person affirms with the other their choices to participate in how the how the relationship develops.
Relationships become strong and healthy as we live according to our values, behave in alignment with our agreements, and when we fail to do so, we then do what’s needed to make things right.
Caring for the highest good on behalf of one another and ourselves, with kindness, compassion, and benevolence is the heart of fulfilling and vital relating.
How we relate with each other shapes our collective future at all levels — from those nearest to us, to our communities, organizations, and society as a whole.
Kendra Cunov
Practioner, Coach, and Facilitator of Relational, Embodiment, and Intimacy work
Brian Robertson
Founding Member & Partner
Dr. Susan Campbell, Ph.D.
Trainer, Consultant, Author
Robert MacNaughton
Executive Coach and Facilitator
Jana Wilder & Molly Strong
Co-founders
Robbie Carlton
Host of The Sane and Miraculous podcast
Thomas Thomison
Founding Member & Partner
Christopher Breedlove
Director, Civic Activation
